Games People Play

There is a game circulating on Facebook. You have probably seen it. You like a status, receive a number, and divulge little known personal facts equal to it. I admit it. I played it in a late night moment of weakness. My facts were lame. The good and crazy stuff that weaves the fabric of our daily grind is too over the top for an unsuspecting audience. Living with autism is often not pretty. No one wants to see this stuff scrolling through recipe suggestions, baby pictures, and inspirational quotes. You come here for your dose of crazy. My number is fourteen. Because I get to make the rules. Enjoy!

1. I took Xander’s pull-ups away last month. He is almost 13. He pooped twice on the toilet then decided the shower and the sink were preferable. This happens every night. He had the stomach bug recently. Use your imagination to your personal comfort level. If I’m with Maya at one of her dance classes, I often get the dreaded text. I trust no one else to deal with this in a sanitary enough fashion. The door must be locked until I get home. And it waits for me like a present. Shout out to the Clorox company for inventing those disposable, germ killing wipes.

2. When I was pregnant for Maya, I fantacized constantly about staying in the hospital. Meals prepared for me which could be eaten in bed. My bag was packed months in advance and I’d switch out different books and magazines. I had travel size soaps and shampoo to use in the shower I could take all alone. Without worrying about the behavior on the other side of the door. The hospital stay, quite pathetically, lived up to my expectations.

3. I have never taken a vacation since having children. Connor will be eighteen next month.

4. I found Connor hanging over a porch ledge two stories up. I had to convince him to swing over and let me take his hands. This was the last time I remember having a legitimate adrenaline rush. I’m pretty sure my adrenaline manufacturing gland exploded.

5. Connor tried to jump out of a chair lift.

6. And an amusement park ride.

7. Every night Xander sneaks paper into his room. Sometimes it’s magazines, sometimes it’s toilet paper. Occasionally it is bills from my wallet. Paper is shredded into miniscule pieces and carefully mixed with cracker crumbs subversively snatched from the snack cupboard in the middle of the night. Each toy box is dumped on the floor, creating a delightful mixture I never dreamed possible.The paper shreds float into the hallway and if you try hard enough, you feel like you are marching in a ticker tape parade.

8. No one else in the family knows how to operate the dishwasher or washing machine.

9. I have an outstanding sense of humor. Seriously!

10. I don’t sleep through the night in the normal fashion. Xander wakes up and wanders so I am always half awake. Sometimes he gets angry in the middle of the night and rages loudly. I am in bed about five hours a night. I catch a thirty minute nap or two on days the kids have school. Those naps never fail to make me feel guilty. But I’ve learned to get over it.

11. When Connor was in First Grade, our school superintendent called me to tell me I was a difficult parent. And that he was not looking forward to dealing with me in the future. Jerk.

12. I have had many pets through the years. My favorite is my Chihuahua. Mostly because he hates people. I respect his reserve and blatant honesty. Also, I can dress him in cute sweaters.

13. I dislike the F-word, but I find that it runs through my thought process frequently. In the shrieking voice of Lemongrab from the cartoon, Adventure Time.

14. I gave birth to four big healthy babies. I have no scars or stretch marks. It’s natural to feel love and pride over your children. Thankfulness and pride over the latter statement, proves I am vain and narcissistic. But, I never claimed to be perfect. Just more than a little crazy.